英语幽默故事
英文幽默故事 Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could bine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． “With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．” Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，“But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？” 向肖伯纳求婚 英国有位美貌风流的女演员，曾写信向肖伯纳求婚。她说，因为他是个天才，她不嫌肖伯纳年迈丑陋。假如能使女郎的美貌和超人的天才结合，那该是多么协调啊。“咱们的后代有你的智慧和我的美貌，那一定是十全十美了。” 肖伯纳给她回了一封信说，她的想象很是美妙，“可是，假如生下的孩子外貌象我，而智慧又象你，那又该怎么办呢？” 英语幽默故事 Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking. 老师正在讲课，彼得打起瞌睡来了。 Teacher: Peter！Tell us, what's the biggest in the world? 老师：彼得！你说说，世界上什么最大？ Peter: Well, well....eyelids.... 彼得: 嗯……嗯……眼皮…… Teacher: What？Eyelids？ 老师：什么？眼皮？ Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world. 彼得：是的，老师。因为我眼睛一闭，眼皮就把世界上所有的东西都遮住了 Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" 疯人院 一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！"另一个说："你怎么知道？"第一个人说："上帝对我说的！"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！" 英语幽默小故事50字左右（带翻译） Q: Why won’t the elephant use the puter? 为什么大象不玩电脑？ A: He’s afraid of the mouse! 他害怕老鼠！ 鼠标和老鼠的英文皆为mouse。 mouse [maʊs]n. 鼠标；老鼠；胆小羞怯的人 2.A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。 "Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday." "Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to *** oke in the next few days." The doctor said. 一位很焦急的病人走到医生办公室寻求帮助。 “医生，我不知道该怎么办。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。” “哦，不用担心。你一定要牢记未来几天不要吸烟就行了。”医生说。 3.A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院. 他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害." 医生说:"我怕他已经死了." 听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着." 妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多." 4.A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God says: "A penny". Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" And God says: "a second", Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" And God says "In a second". 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话. 他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?" 上帝回答:"一便士." 男子又问:"那一百万年呢?" 上帝说:"一秒钟." 最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?" 上帝回答:"过一秒钟." 5.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 6.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” 关于英语的幽默故事 Three Surgeons 三个有名的外科医生 Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner." "I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate." 三个有名的外科医生正在吹嘘他们的技术。“一个人断了一只手，他来找我，”一个说，“如今那个人是个音乐会的小提琴手。” “这算不了什么，”另一个说。“一个家伙两条腿断了，他来找我，我将它们接了回去。如今，那人是马拉松选手。” “我比你们两个都强，”第三个说，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的车祸。除了一个马 *** ，和一幅眼睛，什么都没有留下。如今，那人坐在美国参议院里。” 一天3个人比赛射击。A，50步射中某人头上的苹果说：I am A。B，100步射中说：I am B。C，150步，开枪后说：I am sorry. 英语幽默故事带翻译 The Old Cat An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it. Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young." 【译文】 老猫 一位老妇有只猫，这只猫很老，它跑不快了，也咬不了东西，因为它年纪太大了。一天，老猫发现一只老鼠，它跳过去抓这只老鼠，然而，它咬不住这只老鼠。因此，老鼠从它的嘴边溜掉了，因为老猫咬不了它。 于是，老妇很生气，因为老猫没有把老鼠咬死。她开始打这只猫，猫说：“不要打你的老仆人，我已经为你服务了很多年，而且还愿意为你效劳，但是，我实在太老了，对年纪大的不要这么无情，要记住老年人在年青时所做过的有益的事情。” A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the st. He went on and came to a river. The river had bee very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the st and eat them. Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time. 【译文】 一个人正朝着一个富人的房子走去，当他沿着路走时，在路的一边他发现一箱好苹果，他说：“我不打算吃那些苹果，因为富人会给我更多的食物，他会给我很好吃的东西。”然后他拿起苹果，一把扔到土里去。 他继续走，来到河边，河涨水了，因此，他到不了河对岸，他等了一会儿，然后他说：“今天我去不了富人家了，因为我不能渡过河。” 他开始回家，那天他没有吃东西。他就开始去找吃的，他找到苹果，很高兴地把它们从尘土中翻出来吃了。 不要把好东西扔掉，换个时候你会觉得它们大有用处。 The City Mouse and the Country Mouse Once there were o mice. They were friends. One mouse lived in the country; the other mouse lived in the city. After many years the Country mouse saw the City mouse; he said, "Do e and see me at my house in the country." So the City mouse went. The City mouse said, "This food is not good, and your house is not good. Why do you live in a hole in the field? You should e and live in the city. You would live in a nice house made of stone. You would have nice food to eat. You must e and see me at my house in the city." The Country mouse went to the house of the City mouse. It was a very good house. Nice food was set ready for them to eat. But just as they began to eat they heard a great noise. The City mouse cried, " Run! Run! The cat is ing!" They ran away quickly and hid. After some time they came out. When they came out, the Country mouse said, "I do not like living in the city. I like living in my hole in the field. For it is nicer to be poor and happy, than to be rich and afraid." 【译文】 城里老鼠和乡下老鼠 从前，有两只老鼠，它们是好朋友。一只老鼠居住在乡村，另一只住在城里。很多年以后，乡下老鼠碰到城里老鼠，它说：“你一定要来我乡下的家看看。”于是，城里老鼠就去了。乡下老鼠领着它到了一块田地上它自己的家里。它把所有最精美食物都找出来给城里老鼠。城里老鼠说：“这东西不好吃，你的家也不好，你为什么住在田野的地洞里呢？你应该搬到城里去住，你能住上用石头造的漂亮房子，还会吃上美味佳肴，你应该到我城里的家看看。” 乡下老鼠就到城里老鼠的家去。房子十分漂亮，好吃的东西也为他们摆好了。可是正当他们要开始吃的时候，听见很大的一阵响声，城里的老鼠叫喊起来：“快跑！快跑！猫来了！”他们飞快地跑开躲藏起来。 过了一会儿，他们出来了。当他们出来时，乡下老鼠说：“我不喜欢住在城里，我喜欢住在田野我的洞里。因为这样虽然贫穷但是快乐自在，比起虽然富有却要过着提心吊胆的生活来说，要好些。” Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I e to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow". 老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着"学校----慢行". A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing o policemen. If I regard the o policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” 英语小故事 笑话 英语笑话（一） Q: What's the difference beeen a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。
英语幽默小故事
He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。 他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。 他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。 “他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。 “再给你两分钱。 可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。 这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。 他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。 如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor *** iled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。 这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。 过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。 你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著 性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的 一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了. A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"且话偻蚰昴?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟." 1,Two birls Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。 谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 2. The Fish Net "Can you tell me what fish is made, Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 鱼网 "你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。 "把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。 " 小女孩回答道。 3. The New Teacher Gee es from school on the first of September. "Gee, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 新老师 9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。 "乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。 "妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。 " 4. A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his clas *** ates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 一次物理考试 在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。 这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？ 尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。 Jim’s History Examination Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination? Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him things that happened before the poor boy was born. 吉姆的历史考试 舅舅：吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样？ 母亲：唉，糟透了。 可话又说回来，这也不能怪他。 嗨，他们尽问一些这个 可怜的孩子出生前的事儿。 Magic change 神奇变化 Gaga is a little duck. He is *** all, dirty and ugly. His friends don’t like to play with him. One day, Gaga walked behind his friends quietly(静悄悄地).But his friends did not want him. Gaga was very sad and ran to the river and cried loudly(大声地)。 Just then, a big beautiful bird heard(听见)him crying and flew down(飞下来，落下来). She said, “Please don’t cry. Tell me, what do you want? I can help you.” Gaga told the truth(真相). The beautiful bird said, “OK, I can help you to bee a good-looking duck.” Then she took out a blanket and put it on the duck’s body. She said something which the little duck didn’t understand. Then she took away the blanket. There stood (站立)a good-looking duck. Gaga was very happy. He thanked the big bird and quickly went to play with his friends
